Saudade 6-Vulnerability

After having experience my deeper experiences of Tantra and my fun experience of Nudist beach I knew that I would indeed start to make further changes and shifts within. Of course, we do not all have to do it in the way I did but I had such fun discovering things about myself and others which leave me in no doubt that there would be many further new experiences for me. We all think about doing certain things in life but they remain just thoughts. The important things is not to worry about what others think of you. This is such a drawback for everyone. I would like to think we have moved on some ways in life from the days of how women were treated badly just for simply choosing to work and leave their children with someone else. But of course there are still many taboos for women in many ways. Going to nudist beach and tantric massage, oh my God, I would be burned at the stake by some., I have joined the world of ‘Sting’ and Puff’daddy. Being naked also, oh my God, I am such a terrible woman to tell people this. (Chuckle).

We are all afraid to be vulnerable, male and female. It has it consequences doesn’t it? Although all too often we consider the consequences as negative due to rejection, abandonment, isolation etc etc. But what I have learned during his process is that this is difficult at first but eventually you feel much better. You can breathe around people that you can be truly honest with. The rest start to eliminate quickly when they fail to pull you anymore. The control slowly fades away. And surprisingly enough some people come back all be it may be a long time but they begin to understand why and what it takes to do this. You start to see changes in them also by staying firm in your boundary with your own life decisions. I could not get my head round that part for years. Not to buy into the ‘pull’ of others trying to sway me in their direction whether it be by undermining or telling me that I was better suited to some other way(their way of course).

This process starts at a very young age regarding all areas of life. We are programmed for work and 9-5 routine at a very early age. We sit in a classroom age 4 or 5 with a shirt, tie and suit on in the classroom. We are taught to refrain from talking and voicing opinions at this stage. In my generation it was worse than now because we had what was known as the ‘belt’. If you spoke you were belted. This then creates a life time of adults who do not speak out even now in a classroom or university situation if they return to study. I know this after discussions with mature students and in my own behavior. So, in being vulnerable and childlike we have learned it can be a dangerous place to be and it’s clear to see why. However, living in UK we can as adults break free from this. It is unfortunate for women in some other cultures and religions where this is not possible. The consequences are too high resulting in death for some.
So, anyway, I’m off on a tangent again but this doesn’t matter. I’m allowed to, right!!!! Because there are many sides to me. I have a serious, intense side, creative, academic and an extremely humorous side also. We sometimes do not get the chance to be ‘all rounded’ like this and explore the talents that we do not know we have. We can do anything we want to do in life is what I am saying. I’ve had to go on this journey to find out what is that I now wanted to do and how I wish to live.
My travel experiences have taught me much. ‘Saudade’ and Brazil once again come into my thoughts.
I think of the English lessons in Simone’s school in Vilhena, Rondonia, Amazonia and wonder when I will return to see everyone again. The fun with adult classes, teenagers and kids singing songs. My time spent in Simone and Alex home. Very very happy days indeed. This colourful, wonderful place with people that are indescribable and so important to me. My Brazilian family who taught me so much about my own life and family and changes required. My very different experiences on many different levels have been very valuable. Saudade indeed.

Saudade 5-Nudist beach -Valencia

SAUDADE 5-Nudist beach-Valencia

Pablo: Sharon, I can’t believe at your age,  that you have never been on a nudist beach?”

Me: “Well, I have never been with anyone who was open enough to say that they do this”

Pablo: “You mean none of your friends would ever go either?”

Me: “If they do they do not say to me. But hey, I am from Scotland, no one would admit to this especially in Glasgow. People would get the wrong idea”

Pablo: “People are so closed, it’s amazing”

Me: “I know, it frustrates me. It’s only a nudist beach, what the hell do they think we would be doing, sunbathing with no clothes????? Heaven forbid.

Me: “Pablo, I have a problem, I need to go the pharmacy for bikini removal cream once again. I did it last week but if I leave it any longer I will be in full bloom. It drives me nuts”

Pablo: We better go get stuff then, you’re not coming there with us with a full garden growing, we need to find you something to mow the lawn”

Here I am again with my two male gay friends. Feeling very liberated once again. No one blinks an eye at anyone here. There is no judgement. No one behaves in a disorderly manner nor does it feel wrong. The first time Peggy Sue had the  factor 50 Piz Bruin treatment.

The only thing I would have changed was the ‘attire’ of waitress serving our lunch in the small outdoor nudist restaurant. I should have suggested she borrow my lawn mower as she leaned over the table with full blooming bush nearly falling in my salad. I shall move the salad out of the way next time.

We all laughed at this and moved on to the wine. A great fun day indeed. I shall return for sure.

No more bikini costs.

Saudade 4-End of massage weekend in Orba

Saudade 4-End of Massage weekend in Orba

As I read Daphne Kapsali’s day 16 I felt slightly emotional. I hadn’t understood why initially but I do now. I am not an actual cat lover but I do not dislike them either. I understood the emotion she felt as she found the abandoned kitten who would surely die. This brought instant tears to my eyes which confused me slightly as it did her. The feeling of being discarded, left alone, no one to help in the weakest, saddest moments. Oh my God this brought up so much in me. The precedent I had set for myself in life was coming back to haunt me in that very moment.  I stopped reading for a moment and let it resonate. It confused me because there have been difficult situations and traumas to deal with that had felt more than my animal dying. But in that moment I realised I had not cried for a dog I had lost as a child amongst many other things. I dismissed my feelings as being over dramatic. How could I have done that to myself? I had abandoned myself many times because there were ‘bigger’ issues to deal with. But what about the deep, genuine grief that I had allowed to be tucked away from these many years? Of course I would not wallow in this now but I had to realise that it was ok to acknowledge this was how I had felt at that time and let it go. I cried hard in this moment. So much of what we do to ourselves because we are on the mouse wheel. I had been running a long time. My truths were emerging. But hey ho, I was on a new wheel now eh…my wheel of adventure. I am going to live, truly live.

I can say I learned a lot about myself just in this one weekend of Tantric massage. It was a good experience in many respects. I learned I do not say no often enough and that I did truly dismiss myself on many occasions. It was also re inforced that I was a very natural, honest person who found it difficult to be any other way. I could not fit around anything fake anymore and I had done this so often including people. But this is ok because I guess we can all do this. I did with many ‘female’ friends quite a number of years ago. It took me a long to realise they were interested in my ex-husband or whoever I may have been in a relationship with afterwards. There were some hard blows with this but I am not naive now. My expectations are very different and I can spot this quickly so I do not have the same hurt and disappointment. I have grown up a lot I guess and I do not have this around me now. There are times in life when we have to tolerate some things but not when it doesn’t feel good for ourselves.  The great thing is that when you can see it, it doesn’t upset anymore. Just observe, smile and move on.

Well I smiled and moved on after this weekend in Orba back to my friend in Valencia.  Pablo picked me up again and drove back to his house which is a few hours’ drive from Orba to Valencia. We stopped for a while to eat and as usual Pablo always chooses a place with delicious food. I was feeling very lucky once again. I am unsure if I would return to this particular area for massage but I know that I will for sure explore other options, places and different techniques. My mind was more open to new experiences and adventures. And Peggy Sue was fast asleep lol.

She was now going to have her first experience on nudist beach in Valencia.