Saudade 4-End of Massage weekend in Orba
As I read Daphne Kapsali’s day 16 I felt slightly emotional. I hadn’t understood why initially but I do now. I am not an actual cat lover but I do not dislike them either. I understood the emotion she felt as she found the abandoned kitten who would surely die. This brought instant tears to my eyes which confused me slightly as it did her. The feeling of being discarded, left alone, no one to help in the weakest, saddest moments. Oh my God this brought up so much in me. The precedent I had set for myself in life was coming back to haunt me in that very moment. I stopped reading for a moment and let it resonate. It confused me because there have been difficult situations and traumas to deal with that had felt more than my animal dying. But in that moment I realised I had not cried for a dog I had lost as a child amongst many other things. I dismissed my feelings as being over dramatic. How could I have done that to myself? I had abandoned myself many times because there were ‘bigger’ issues to deal with. But what about the deep, genuine grief that I had allowed to be tucked away from these many years? Of course I would not wallow in this now but I had to realise that it was ok to acknowledge this was how I had felt at that time and let it go. I cried hard in this moment. So much of what we do to ourselves because we are on the mouse wheel. I had been running a long time. My truths were emerging. But hey ho, I was on a new wheel now eh…my wheel of adventure. I am going to live, truly live.
I can say I learned a lot about myself just in this one weekend of Tantric massage. It was a good experience in many respects. I learned I do not say no often enough and that I did truly dismiss myself on many occasions. It was also re inforced that I was a very natural, honest person who found it difficult to be any other way. I could not fit around anything fake anymore and I had done this so often including people. But this is ok because I guess we can all do this. I did with many ‘female’ friends quite a number of years ago. It took me a long to realise they were interested in my ex-husband or whoever I may have been in a relationship with afterwards. There were some hard blows with this but I am not naive now. My expectations are very different and I can spot this quickly so I do not have the same hurt and disappointment. I have grown up a lot I guess and I do not have this around me now. There are times in life when we have to tolerate some things but not when it doesn’t feel good for ourselves. The great thing is that when you can see it, it doesn’t upset anymore. Just observe, smile and move on.
Well I smiled and moved on after this weekend in Orba back to my friend in Valencia. Pablo picked me up again and drove back to his house which is a few hours’ drive from Orba to Valencia. We stopped for a while to eat and as usual Pablo always chooses a place with delicious food. I was feeling very lucky once again. I am unsure if I would return to this particular area for massage but I know that I will for sure explore other options, places and different techniques. My mind was more open to new experiences and adventures. And Peggy Sue was fast asleep lol.
She was now going to have her first experience on nudist beach in Valencia.