Saudade 6-Vulnerability

After having experience my deeper experiences of Tantra and my fun experience of Nudist beach I knew that I would indeed start to make further changes and shifts within. Of course, we do not all have to do it in the way I did but I had such fun discovering things about myself and others which leave me in no doubt that there would be many further new experiences for me. We all think about doing certain things in life but they remain just thoughts. The important things is not to worry about what others think of you. This is such a drawback for everyone. I would like to think we have moved on some ways in life from the days of how women were treated badly just for simply choosing to work and leave their children with someone else. But of course there are still many taboos for women in many ways. Going to nudist beach and tantric massage, oh my God, I would be burned at the stake by some., I have joined the world of ‘Sting’ and Puff’daddy. Being naked also, oh my God, I am such a terrible woman to tell people this. (Chuckle).

We are all afraid to be vulnerable, male and female. It has it consequences doesn’t it? Although all too often we consider the consequences as negative due to rejection, abandonment, isolation etc etc. But what I have learned during his process is that this is difficult at first but eventually you feel much better. You can breathe around people that you can be truly honest with. The rest start to eliminate quickly when they fail to pull you anymore. The control slowly fades away. And surprisingly enough some people come back all be it may be a long time but they begin to understand why and what it takes to do this. You start to see changes in them also by staying firm in your boundary with your own life decisions. I could not get my head round that part for years. Not to buy into the ‘pull’ of others trying to sway me in their direction whether it be by undermining or telling me that I was better suited to some other way(their way of course).

This process starts at a very young age regarding all areas of life. We are programmed for work and 9-5 routine at a very early age. We sit in a classroom age 4 or 5 with a shirt, tie and suit on in the classroom. We are taught to refrain from talking and voicing opinions at this stage. In my generation it was worse than now because we had what was known as the ‘belt’. If you spoke you were belted. This then creates a life time of adults who do not speak out even now in a classroom or university situation if they return to study. I know this after discussions with mature students and in my own behavior. So, in being vulnerable and childlike we have learned it can be a dangerous place to be and it’s clear to see why. However, living in UK we can as adults break free from this. It is unfortunate for women in some other cultures and religions where this is not possible. The consequences are too high resulting in death for some.
So, anyway, I’m off on a tangent again but this doesn’t matter. I’m allowed to, right!!!! Because there are many sides to me. I have a serious, intense side, creative, academic and an extremely humorous side also. We sometimes do not get the chance to be ‘all rounded’ like this and explore the talents that we do not know we have. We can do anything we want to do in life is what I am saying. I’ve had to go on this journey to find out what is that I now wanted to do and how I wish to live.
My travel experiences have taught me much. ‘Saudade’ and Brazil once again come into my thoughts.
I think of the English lessons in Simone’s school in Vilhena, Rondonia, Amazonia and wonder when I will return to see everyone again. The fun with adult classes, teenagers and kids singing songs. My time spent in Simone and Alex home. Very very happy days indeed. This colourful, wonderful place with people that are indescribable and so important to me. My Brazilian family who taught me so much about my own life and family and changes required. My very different experiences on many different levels have been very valuable. Saudade indeed.

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